


What I Want

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Canon, Drama, Episode Related, M/M, Points of View, Romance, Season/Series 03
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-10-18
Updated: 2006-10-18
Packaged: 2018-12-27 01:55:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12071292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: After Brian punches Mikey, Justin starts to think things over...





	What I Want

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

  
Author's notes: Set about 34 minutes into 3.01.  


* * *

We should probably just leave. Despite Mel and Linz' words, and the warm welcome Debbie was giving us, I know we don't really have any right to be here. They are Brian's family, have been his family a long time before I showed up, and now... Now they are all siding with me – except for Mikey – and Brian's left to his own devices. Like bringing those two guys with him. Did he know I'd be here to see? Is this his way of telling me that he doesn't give a fuck?  
  
Then why did he... _I hope you get what you want._ Shit! What was that all about? Why does he even care? Ethan realised that something was up, of course, and has been asking me if I wanted to leave ever since I got back from the bathroom. And I know we should. But I can't. It's like I can't think of anything but... No, I don't get what I fucking want. Yeah, Ethan gives me all the romance I've been craving, but it means shit since it doesn't come from the one person...  
  
'Get a grip, Taylor. You're over, finished, finito...' Yes, I made sure of that. And now ... now I'm having fucking second thoughts because of one stupid little sentence. Well, there's no good crying over spilt milk. I burnt my bridges, so I better make the best of what I have now. And that is Ethan. I'm giving him a sunny smile – to appease him, I guess. But my eyes inevitably stray to where Brian is now talking to Michael. Or ... are they actually _arguing_? Brian never ever...  
  
And then it happens. Brian fucking punches his _best friend_ , and part of me is cheering, cause if it hadn't been for Michael and his habit of sticking his nose where it doesn't belong, I might still be... Fuck! Deb's screeching, and Ben almost hits Brian – to avenge his poor, hurt lover. And Linz and Mel... What the fuck is wrong with them? Don't they know him just a tiny little bit? Brian would never ever resort to violence unless someone he cares about is threatened. Someone he cares about... Oh shit! I guess I know what they were fighting about. _Me!_ Michael was giving me that dirty look and...  
  
I'm drawing Ethan aside. I know this won't be pretty, but I have to do this. "I need to know what this was all about. Brian usually doesn't act this way. In fact, I never saw him punch anyone. Not even my father when he attacked Brian outside Babylon..." He wanted to, of course, but that was before he realised that the fucker who'd jumped him was in fact my dad. Then he just... He thought there was no fucking way that I'd choose him over my family. And he resigned himself to his fate...  
  
Ethan looks like he just bit into something sour. "I thought it was over." I'm trying to explain that this has nothing to do with ... well, the _non-relationship_ Brian and I shared until recently. But it's only a half-hearted attempt, and Ethan knows it. "Just go, okay? Spare ourselves the humiliation of trying to turn this into less than what it really is. You still love him, and what's more, I think that won't change – ever. I should have listened to my own advice ... but I just couldn't stay away. I had to see if we could..." He shakes his head. "Go after him. He obviously needs you..."  
  
And then it's over – just like that. It's as if Ethan always knew it wouldn't last, and if I'm fucking honest with myself, so was I. _I hope you get what you want._ I never will, not without Brian. Ethan gives me a wry smile. "You know, it won't help anyone if you stand around, rooted to the spot. If you want him, you will have to go after him." Go after him... Just like I did before. And if he doesn't take me back right away ... well, he will have to deal with the return of his personal little stalker. I think I finally found myself again – and shit, I hadn't even realised that I'd lost myself.  
  
Brian hitting Michael – that tells me what I wanted to know all along. Providing, of course, that they were indeed arguing about me. But there really is no other explanation. So I'm finally following Brian, and surprisingly find him inside the jeep, still parked in front of the house. Shit, I've never seen him so shaken. As if his favourite pet just died. And maybe it did. Whatever Michael said – and I _will_ find out what that was – it fucking shattered the foundations of the _Brian and Mikey Show_.  
  
He finally looks up and sees me. I was right, they _were_ arguing about me. I can see it in his eyes ... I can see the _pain_ in his eyes. "You should go back to your boyfriend. I'm sure he wouldn't go around punching people... You're lucky, you know? You got away before I could turn on you." Shit! I really want to go back and kick Michael as well – badly! But I won't. Instead, I walk around the car and slip into the seat next to Brian. "What do you think you're doing? Don't you get it? You should fucking run for the hills!"  
  
Sorry, no can do. "What happened?" Got you there, didn't I? You expected anything but this.  
  
He shrugs. "He thought he was doing me a favour. Told me what a little twat you were... A selfish little shit who only took from me and never gave back a thing. Oh, and that I should have left you lying there after Hobbs..." What the fuck was Michael thinking?! Shit! So I don't remember that night – save for the occasional flashes of us dancing or goofing around in the garage. And, of course, the image of Chris Hobbs swinging that bat at me. That'll be ingrained inside my brain forever. But I heard how fucking shaken Brian was – from Daphne, and even from Mom. And Mikey – dear, sweet little Mikey – asshole extraordinaire was there! He saw! And then he said...  
  
And suddenly it hits me, like a fucking freight train. He may never say it, but he still showed it to the whole world just now. He loves me! And he really hopes that I get what I want. He tore out his heart to make sure I went for it... Only ... I didn't. I went for what I _thought_ I wanted. But it was a lie. A lie I told myself because the truth was just too fuzzy to grasp. Words ... words were easy. I didn't have to analyse them. Words. That's what Ethan gave me. But words are bullshit. They don't mean a fucking thing at the end of the day. It's action that speaks louder, if you're willing to listen. Only I'd put in earplugs, and covered my eyes as well for good measure. I was such a shit.  
  
Ethan comes out of the front door and walks towards the car. I can see Brian stiffen, can almost feel him cling to the shards that once were his heart. As if he's afraid that, if they shatter again, that will be it. There won't be anything left of ... of Brian. Ethan's reached Brian's door by now, and I can only begin to imagine how hard this must be for him. "You two better get out of here. That ... Debbie?" I nod. "That Debbie is about to put you on a stake or something." Then he catches my eyes, "I'll drop off your stuff at Daphne's, okay?" And then he leaves us, and Brian looks even more spooked than he did before.  
  
"You said you're hoping that I get what I want..." He doesn't answer, but I can tell he's listening rather attentively. "I think I am ... now I am. I guess being with Ethan opened my eyes and I was forced to acknowledge a few truths I just wanted to forget. And today... That just tipped my world over again, and it's ... it's how it should be again." He raises his eyebrow as if he's questioning my sanity. Well, he wouldn't be the first one to do so. "After the bashing, my life was spinning out of control, and when it settled, I didn't even notice that it was ... well, in the wrong position. I should have realised it when I came up with those rules and started to break them myself..." That was the beginning of the end, I know that now. We were both pretty fucked-up then, and I'm fucking praying now that Brian is willing to...  
  
He starts the car, and then we're home and he's suggesting that I call Ethan and tell him to just bring my stuff over here when his eyes fall on the blinking light of the answering machine. "Could you... Just delete everything unless it's something important. I'll go take a shower." He's on the second step when he stops and retraces his path until he's standing right in front of me. "You'll want to talk more about this shit, right?" I shrug. "You should, Justin. _We_ should." Fuck. Brian Kinney suggests that we talk about stuff. The world is coming undone. Well, that only means that we'll be able to rebuild it, and turn it into what we want it to be. "I'll call a friend of mine – I've been consulting with him before, so..."  
  
An hour later, Matthew arrives, and I can't believe that Brian not only talked to a shrink before, but is willing to do so again. And he's also willing to listen to whatever I've got to say – and that knowledge enables me to let go of all my inhibitions and we talk until well after midnight with Matthew explaining things about post-traumatic stress, and how it apparently affected both of us, not just me. Surprisingly, he doesn't suggest that we see him or a colleague for therapy, but work through this together. "That way, you can both heal." Brian grins at that and wishes me good luck – yeah, cause I will have to make him open his fucking mouth and talk about shit.  
  
When Ethan shows up the next morning, it's Brian who gets my stuff from him while I'm burrowing my head underneath my pillow. They are talking about something, and right after the door slides shut Brian yells loud enough to wake the dead. "Get the fuck out of bed! Oh, and Sunshine? If you ever do anything remotely like this again, I'm gonna kill you." That's of course Kinney-speech for "You fucking hurt me, and now I'm even forced to talk about shit with you, and that's just fucked!" But I know I wouldn't be here if this wasn't what he wants, so...  
  
The first time we meet Michael again, the little fucker is apologetic to no end – probably because of the nice little chat I'd been having with his mailbox the other day. I told him in no uncertain terms to back off unless he wanted to find out what I was capable of. I think he finally realises that I'm more than just a pathetic little twink, who's gotten himself into something bigger than he could handle.  
  
A month later, we're working on _Rage_ , volume 1, issue 2 – Brian insisted that I get my head out of my ass and just swallow my fucking pride or whatever it was that kept me from continuing our partnership. Ethan is dating a piano player now, and it's fucking disconcerting how close he and Brian have gotten. And I'm wondering if it's just the old _keep your friends close, but your enemies closer_ for Brian or if he really likes Ethan. Well, I guess time will tell. But right now I'm off to Matthew's practice cause I keep having those flashes, and I fucking want the whole movie! I'm driving Brian nuts with all my questions, and I think we deserve to share this memory. Not because it was the best night of my life – there have been better since – but because that's when _we_ and _us_ stopped to be scary concepts for Brian. And if I could remember the whole thing ... just imagine how I could tease him about stuff...  
  
  
FIN.


End file.
